I feel like complete shit.
I'm a joke. I'm an idiot. What else?
I'm so desperately trying to act like I'm someone I'm not because I'm afraid of being myself and being true as myself.
I know I'm a fantastic, worthy person, I know I'm not evil. I know how amazing, powerful, and wonderful I am and it has taken me so long to realize that and I'm glad I'm finally in a place where I am comfortable with myself, my identity, and my personhood, but I'm not ready to tell that to the world. I'm not ready to open myself up and be exposed to all the abuse, bullying, and scrutiny that pushed me so far into being that monster I convinced myself I had to be ("because otherwise, why did people treat me the way they did?"). I want to be unapolagetic and confident, badass and true, but I want to be safe. So which is more important? Truthfulness or safety?
I've come out, not exactly on my own terms, though. I wanted to come out in October, which is about 7 months away, I came out like two weeks ago instead.
I fucking regret it.
It's not like my family has ever respected me before so I don't really know what I expected to change, but it just feels so worthless, I mean finally I don't feel like it's my fault they don't call me the right name but it feels like now it IS intentional and now I'm outraged and sad and I feel completely hopeless.
I genuinely convinced myself that things could change and that they would, but of course they fucking didn't. Of fucking course. I guess I wanted to be able to fully express who I was without fear and that I'd be completely fine, but obviously that's not how things work. What a waste of fucking time and energy. I'm still the loathsome kid they all hate, the freak, the quiet loser they love to mock. I can't believe I entrusted my name to them, I feel awful. My name was the one thing I had, my dignity, and they took it the fuck away. I don't even fucking care anymore.
I had a reason to live, two, maybe, now I can't securely say I have any.